Salam to all.
I been quiet eversince I turned another year wiser I know. Life has been h*** of an upside down for me 😦
I dont really know how to hate. I tried like so many times before when Im so shitty mad, angry, pissed or tremendously saddened with matters that hurt me. Really I do. Trying to hate. But God I just cannot do it. I dont know how. I just don’t. In return, I prayed hard nobody will hate me as well. Dislike may be. But hate, lets hope not.
Until probably Sunday afternoon, 10th August it is. Then, I realized I am a normal human being afterall with normal love and hatred feelings. I submit and surrender myself 😦 to my creator, Allah SWT seeking His forgiveness for I am His sinner, and leave it to Al-Mighty Him as well for any decision for this one person who has crossed my path and stupidly hugely decided to take my life into ‘it’ own bare hands. My life does not mean anything but yours does?? Out of insanity or stupidity, only Allah knows and and I hate this one human being. Greatly. Endlessly.
😦 I am sorry God for those that bad comes only from me and those that are good are indeed from You above. Spare this one human what is dued in Your Greatness and Wisdom.
There are so many things inside my head right now but I’d chose to just ignore them all these time. One wise person used to tell me, if you dont know what to think or do Hani, do neither !. Just dont think nor do anything. At that very moment at least. He said do not make any decision when you are not sure of things, angry or even when you are sad or confused….
And that is what exactly I did all the while. I tend to just brush it away hoping either it will get better on its own or possibly for it to just dissapear, which is of course impossible. Sooner, but never later, I have to breath the courage and face it.
So I have been thinking. For this past few days I have.
And I realized that I have compromised myself quite a lot all this while. My feelings. My happiness. My ego. My needs. My life.
My wishful thinking and hope is that years ahead from this moment, when I actually make a stop and look back to today, I would be able said something like , “Argh Hani, you did this and that, but you made a lot of people happy”. But truth is, I am indeed very tired.
And I am about to make another one. Soon. It is now or never. Sigh.
Forget my own happiness. It is least important. I know that there is no compromise when it comes to happiness but sometimes that is the most noble thing that most of us do, and it is not sparing me neither.
Thing is, at the point when I lose myself, I know I need to find myself and that is what exactly I will do and need to do.
Allah has given me so much and my syukur for that. And perhaps it is about time for me to disburse them to those who are as deserving.
God help me to brave this.
It is true when so many things shouldering me, I feel like dissapearing. Sigh 😦