I actually had this post in my draft for quite awhile. Tried to finish it but ada jer halangan dan kebuntuan.
Been thinking. The last trip that I made home for raya, I eventually missed to visit arwah my dad’s grave. I visited arwah’s mom but not his.
There is this tiny regret in my heart.
Thing is both me and my ayah (as I remembered calling him) never actually know each other. He left when I was only six years old and I hardly saw him since. I grew up trying to remember his face and what was the last conversation that we ever had. To be quite honest, now that I am older, I realized how few times that I ever called him ‘ayah’. Hmmm. It can be sad, really.
Thing is, I read this one article some time back on how daughters that somehow membesar without enough kasih sayang from their dad or mom can actually become quite a rebel person.
I once upon a time tried to relate this to my own daughter since we both can’t really ‘get along’. I thought, could it be because of her not getting enough kasih dan sayang from either me or her dad? Then, I realized, I was not trying to explain what could have happened to her… I was indeed trying to explain things to myself??
Hmmmm. This is very embarassing to say, but I have always longed for a father. It is never easy for me to say this aloud or admit it, but even I am a mother myself now, I have always wished for a father. A true ‘father’ like what everyone else’s has…
I remembered going to my darjah satu with my mom and she just left me at the gate, because she needed to go and menoreh getah and it was still very early in the morning. I waited in front of the gate alone for the gate to open since it was only 6.30 am in the morning. It was safer then eh to be alone at that time anyway.
Whenever I storied this ‘tearful’ experience to my own kids, they just smiled away. I dont think so they ever believe me. Sigh.
But hey life was tough. What more without a dad. As much as I tried to ignore this but it was indeed hard without him. Yeah sure both me and mom survived though but with not so much good memories to look back at..
Recently, a good friend of mine lost his dad. We tried not to talk so much about it. And everytime when we did talk about it, we both usually end up in total silence…
His loss reminded me of my very own. I am sure, along this path, the empty feeling that we both felt about losses of a father somehow collides…